


counselor

by yijeong



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Drug Abuse, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, Guidance Counselors, I'm Bad At Tagging, Pills, Songfic, and summaries!! sorry, lapslock, taeyong is struggling :[[
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-25
Updated: 2019-04-25
Packaged: 2020-01-31 14:28:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,653
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18593152
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yijeong/pseuds/yijeong
Summary: the older lady simply set her clipboard down and leaned back in the office chair, crossing her arms behind her head, “overdose, i get it. do you need more?”





	counselor

**Author's Note:**

> ive been listening to san e's song counselor on repeat and watching the mv a lot lately...  
> it hits way to close to home, and it inspired me to finally write something so this is   
> very heavily based off the lyrics!! i rlly recommend listening to the song and watching the   
> mv even if u dont like san e T___T i cant explain properly but... u can tell how deep the  
> meaning is and everything!!!
> 
> anyways as always im not implying taeyong has any addiction problems, i just choose  
> a member at random!!! i hope u enjoy, pls maybe leave a kudos or comment if u did! <3

“what’s your name?”

the boy stopped fiddling nervously with the ripped ends of his sleeves, intertwining his slender fingers together.

“lee taeyong.”

tapping her pen twice rather obnoxiously before scribbling down the name, the lady behind the counter clicked her tongue. her piercing gaze looked up at him from behind thick-rimmed glasses, her voice a slow drawl, “what are the symptoms that brought you here?”

“i’m in pain,” the words were blunt and dull, “definitely not in a good space, i guess, closer to being miserable.” taeyong shuffled his weight from one foot to the other uncomfortably, catching his bottom lip between his teeth.

“i’m not in physical pain,” a brief pause, a hint of hesitation laced into his words, “never mind, maybe i am. something’s been keeping me up, it’s not my alarm.”

“it’s nightmares and overdosing on pills,” he tried to ignore the unwavering judgement in her eyes as he felt his an itch grow beneath the skin of his wrists.

the older lady simply set her clipboard down and leaned back in the office chair, crossing her arms behind her head, “overdose, i get it. do you need more?”

taeyong’s brow furrowed in confusion and he stepped back, “i’m already taking so many pills, stimulants and more pills to lull them, zolpidem and xanax,” he offered a short explanation, “is this common?” it wasn’t an actual question, he knew somewhere in his mind it wasn’t.

“so you have a problem. tell me the details,” she picked up her pen again. she reminded taeyong of a vulture, greedy and ready to feed on every detail of every problem that spilled and fell out from his lips.

he shuddered at the thought.

“i don’t know myself anymore.” it wasn’t a lie as he thought back to earlier in the waiting room bathroom, where he spent minutes staring at his haggard reflection in the mirror, “i’m in a hypersensitive state, mood swings and always feeling defensive.”

those weren’t lies either, guilt still kept it’s sharp claws gripped into his heart as the recollection of how many times he’s snapped and yelled at the members of nct, at the people who were supposed to be his family. he didn’t like the way he could remember in vivid detail how he made donghyuck break down and cry.

“without the pills, i can’t fall asleep.” taeyong avoided her hungry gaze and started at his worn sneakers, “frustrated, struggling with insecurities. i stop for a moment to try and push myself but i feel the withdrawls-” a shudder runs through his small frame when he recounts all the symptoms he experienced the week he ran out of pills, “-it comes to an end with no results.”

“so i unleash my frustration to those around me.”

taeyong’s hands clench and unclench into fists at his sides, “i push my situation to the edge, there’s no doubt that i go overboard. i demand perfection, torturing myself and those who are supposed to be my family.”

there were too many sleepless nights where taeyong pushed and pushed himself and nct 127 to their limits, unable to hide the frustrated sighs and snarky comments when someone misstepped or was offbeat, ignoring the tired protests from the members as he called for another exhaustive runthrough of the choreography.

“so…” the lady’s tone was still disinterested. was she even listening? “what do you want?”   


“i want to go back.” a long pause, “but wait, are you a doctor?”

she leaned forward onto her desk, crossing her arms in front of her as she raised an eyebrow, “well, i guess you can say that. shall we start your counseling?” a smirk stretched her thin lips and taeyong wanted to punch it off, “we can dig deeper until we reach the root of your problems.”

fuzziness filled taeyong’s mind as his focus was suddenly lost and he felt floaty as his gaze settled somewhere on the plain wall behind her. he swallowed hard as the tiny voice in the back of his mind crawled it’s way to the front, finally making an appearance. 

_ what the fuck are you doing? you don’t need no advice. you’re a strong soldier, did you forget? this counseling shit is bullshit. she’s not even a real doctor. all you need is more pills. seriously, you gotta wake up. _

the boy was yanked out of his thoughts at the snapping of fingers and an impatient voice asking him if he was okay. 

“oh, my bad,” taeyong inhaled deeply through his nose, letting the air settle in his chest before slowly exhaling through his mouth, “i must’ve lost my train of thought,”

she motioned for him to finally sit down at the chair opposite hers before pulling out a paper from a blank file, “don’t lose me, here’s a little test. i have a few questions here, check each of them honestly.”

taeyong hesitated momentarily before sitting down and accepting a pen from her, writing his name neatly in the top right corner.   
  
  


  1. **_you want everyone to like you?_**



check. 

  1. **_does your mother like your lyrics the most?_**



check. 

  1. **_you prefer the past?_**



check.

  1. **_you exchange your thoughts for money?_**



check.  
  


taeyong hesitated, pen lingering above each blank square. (he already knows, all above.)

he hands the paper back to her with shaky hands and watches as she looks it over.

“good news first or bad?” she doesn’t give him a chance to respond before he continues anyways, “the good news is, it’s no illness, you’re just lost. your compass isn’t broken.” her voice was sickeningly cheerful, “the bad news? you obviously have to overcome it yourself. there’s no easy way.”

"is that your answer?” taeyong couldn’t stop the disbelief in his voice as the words tumbled from his mouth.

shrugging, the lady propped her chin up with a hand, “well, kind of, all you get from others is unsatisfactory advice anyway. drugs make you dependant, it’s a fight,” she quickly corrected herself, “no, a war, with yourself. you have to be determined. it’ll be hard, your whole body will hurt.”

“are you scared?” the last question was asked with her piercing gaze directly meeting his own.

taeyong tapped his fingers anxiously on the wooden surface, huffing, “yeah, but burying my thoughts to please others is even more frightening. the rhymes i’ve written are different from who i am.”  _ they would be cooler coming from someone else, _ he added bitterly in his mind.

"the lyrics shoot at my face in the mirror, like the Portrait of Dorian Grey. have you read that?”

the lady raised her other hand in a stopping motion, “woah, hey, don’t be hard on yourself. if you milk too much, you will draw blood, not milk. i hope you will recover.”

“let’s end the session.”

at the dismissal, taeyong stopped his tapping and rose from the plastic chair, flinched at the screech that resulted from the metal legs scraping against tile.   
  
  


_ wake up! hey, bro, wake up! _

a voice penetrated taeyong’s weary mind and he opened his eyes as much as his heavy eyelids would allow him. his mind was foggy, a thick haze swallowing his thoughts and memories, as he muttered weakly to himself, struggling to recognize the voice or where he was.

“what the fuck? why are you muttering to yourself like that?” heavy hands gripped his shoulders and shook him roughly before letting go. he heard the shaking of a pill bottle and the loud noise it made as it was thrown across the room.

“did you take pills again yesterday? oh my god,” the frustration was evident in the younger boy’s voice, “seriously, hyung? shouldn’t you go to the hospital?”

taeyong could only groan in response, his head hanging down as his neck ached uncomfortably. he tried to move his limbs but he felt weighed down and heavy.

“you didn’t sleep, and you seem strange. i know someone, should i introduce you?” the hands were on his shoulders again, shaking him, before a hand gripped his chin and tilted his head up. taeyong struggled to open his eyes all the way, being greeted with the sight of mark when he finally did.

mark sighed heavily and reached for the older’s phone, punching a number into the contacts, “call this number, i’m serious,” was all he said before tossing the phone as taeyong and disappearing out of the room.

taeyong was a bit more into his senses now as the fog slowly lifted from him, and he stared at the sheets around him. various bright orange prescription bottles were spread across the dark sheets, open with pills spilling out of them.

he wouldn’t be lying if he said he was tired of living like this.

looking at the contact mark left in his phone, he took a deep breath before clicking the green call button.

ringing. ringing. ringing. 

connected. 

“hello, i’d like to make an appointment…”

silence.   
  
“hello? this is the hospital, right?”

finally, a rough voice responded, “yes, go on.”   


“how is wednesday at 3pm?”

“that’s not possible,” taeyong felt himself deflate at the words.

“then when is it possible?”

“what is it about?” the voice on the other line sounded short.

“i….” he let out a shaky breath, “i think i need counseling.”

the voice let out an amused laugh, “do you need drugs?”

“no, i don’t need any drugs,” taeyong tried his best to convey his desperation, “i think i need counseling.”

he was met with dead silence. 

“hello?” 

“that is absolutely impossible, mr. lee taeyong.” the sudden voice scared taeyong, and he felt an unidentifiable feeling run through his veins at the words, 

“wake up.”

  
  


Taeyong jolted out of his sleep in a cold sweat, rolling over in his bed with a heavy sigh, his head pounding as if someone was taking a hammer to his skull.

his outstretched hand brushed against medication bottles and his blood ran cold once more.


End file.
